I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
