i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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