we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
