So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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