I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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