Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
