Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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