So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
