Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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