so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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