6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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