margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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