Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
