dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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