So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
my god I love twenty year old dicks
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
