Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
