New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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