Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
