I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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