I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
