well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
