Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
