And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
