I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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