I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
