i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
