This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
