mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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