mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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