I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
