I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
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