Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
