I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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