I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
