Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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