my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
