fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
