did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
