why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
