p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
