my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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