Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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