you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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