Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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