I'm laying in your front yard are you home
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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