i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
