i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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