So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
