Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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