ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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