He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize
